Marik's Guide To Becoming A Sexual Conquistador
by Her Sweetness
Summary: To improve love lives and his financial predicament, Marik's coming out with a video on how to woo the opposite sex. With the help of his sarcastic cameraman Malik and his best friend Bakura, this is sure to be a best seller.
1. Prolouge: Taxes

Her Sweetness: Hey, I promised you guys something new, right? Well, here it is. Please enjoy.

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Marik's Guide To Becoming A Sexual Conquistador:

Chapter One: Taxes.

For Marik and Malik, it had been pretty quiet all morning long. Nothing really exciting was happening at their house and, for lack of anything better to do, they decided to get some exercise by walking to the park in the center of Domino. It was only about a ten minute walk and as they were about a block away from the park, Marik blinked, hearing a funny sound.

He looked behind him and raised an eyebrow, "Malik… what are you doing?"

"I-I… need… water…!" The boy cried out, now crawling on the sidewalk, inching along by digging his finely manicured fingernails into the cracks of the sidewalk.

"… Oh will you get up! Jeez, if I didn't know any better, I'd say all this lazing about on the couch has turned you into a marshmallow."

Still laying on the cement, Malik pouted and crossed his arms, "Well are we almost there?"

"Yes."

"Do you think you could carry me…?"

"N-No! Ra, why do you always ask that? Okay, you know what? I'll 'help' you get there."

"… Really?"

"Yes." He grinned.

Before Malik knew it, his yami was kicking him down the street like a soccer ball and as he rolled foreword, bouncing and scarping his face on pebbles, people watched with their hands raised to their mouths when Malik went rolling down a hill.

"A-AHH-AHHH!"

Marik went running up to the top of the hill and surveyed the valley where the Domino City Park's entrance was. But making it's way towards that entrance was a tan body that was rolling rapidly towards the wooden arch and after hitting it with a great amount of force, the rolling stopped and a little cry was uttered.

"Ow…"

A crowd of people began to gather around the traumatized hikari and Marik rolled his eyes now coming down and shooing the alarmed folks out of the way.

One lady asked, "Hey, is he okay?"

Marik shrugged, "I dunno, let's find out." He then proceeded to nudge the boy with his foot and Malik whipped his battered and beaten head around.

"Stop that!"

Marik turned back to the woman, giving her a thumbs-up sign, "Yup, he's fine. Thanks for your concern."

"Um… S-Sure thing…" She muttered, scooting her children away from him.

By this time, Malik was standing up, brushing all the rocks that had imbedded themselves in his skin off onto the ground. He wiped the grass off the seat of his pants but it left a huge mud stain.

"Aw, _dammit_…! Marik, these were my favorite pants! Now I have to go get them dry-cleaned! I hate doing that!"

He rolled his eyes, "Oh, shut up, Malik. I'll have you know that dry-cleaning builds character."

"…"

"Let's go."

When his yami began to walk away, under the arch and into the actual park, Malik groaned and followed, though he did try to conceal the embarrassing stain by pulling down his shirt. But seeing as how it was his purple belly shirt, that didn't work too well.

It wasn't a surprise that when Marik entered, more than a few people scattered to the _other_ side of the park. Some of the people who'd had more experiencing encounters with the yami actually left. The only people who didn't even leave were people who were perhaps distracted or people who were blind or people who had just moved to Domino.

Marik looked around curiously, "Why did a bunch of people just move?"

"Well, just look who's here!" Malik motioned towards Marik, "The guy who greets them at their doorsteps when the come home in the afternoon and then tackles them and runs off with their shoes!"

"So I like shoes, you have a problem with that?"

"But you never wear them."

"You don't have to _wear_ shoes to _like_ them, _Malik_." He frowned.

"… O… kay. Well, I've gotten all I need out of this conversation."

"Good." Marik sighed and sat down on a nearby bench, then stretching out and laying on it, turning his head to the side.

Malik watched him for a moment, eyes wide until he shouted, "Marik! You dragged me here so you could sleep? What happened to exercise? After all that mess, rolling me down the street, you're going to sleep? You are so not going to sleep!"

"Well, nobody's gonna get any sleep if you keep shouting like that!"

"But—!"

"I don't want to hear it. Despite what you may _trick_ yourself into believing, you _do not _weigh 115 pounds. It was hard work kicking you all that way. Besides that, I brought you out here so _you_ could exercise, not me. But if you're going to make that big a fuss over it, then go get me some ice-cream and by the time you come back, I'll be ready to watch you do laps around the lake." He waved his hand, dismissing the boy.

Malik's eye twitched and he stomped away, towards the ice-cream cart and grumbled, "Stupid Marik… making fun of my weight… stupid…"

Marik heard his hikari's grumbles but let it go and turned over, facing the lake and the people who loitered by it. But a bit closer to the bench where Marik was laying on were these two people, a man and a lady, who were talking by the tree.

Suddenly, the guy's voice rose and Marik looked at him, an irritated look in his eye for interrupting his trying-to-get-to-sleep-before-Malik-comes-back-and-ruins-it mode. He watched lazily as the man dropped to one knee and held out a little box with a ring inside.

"U-Um… Brenda… I-If you would marry me, I'd be the happiest m-man in the world…"

She squealed loudly, forcing Marik to hold his ears, "Oh my gosh, I knew it! I knew you'd propose today!"

"R-Really?"

"Uh-huh! That's why I wore my _best _jeans! See?" She did a little twirl, modeling.

He blinked, tilting his head, "Oh… I was _wondering_ why you looked a bit more chunky than usual. The jeans."

Before the man or Marik knew it, a strong slap came across his face, knocking him to the tree and 'Brenda' shouted some very interesting words at him before storming away.

"H-Honey! Wait!" He ran after her.

By this time, Marik was on the ground in stitches and was desperately in need of air. As he began to calm down, Malik walked up to him, "What're you doing?"

"N-Nothing." He took in a deep breath, "Hey, Malik, where's my ice-cream?"

"Uh… Funny story, actually… I went up there and then remembered I didn't have any money. So I came back."

"… That wasn't funny."

"Well, we can't _all _be comedians!"

Marik blinked and narrowed his eyes, "You mean to tell me that you don't have fifty cents for ice-cream?"

"It's fifty-_nine_ cents because of taxing, Mr. I Know Everything."

"… Since when do they tax ice-cream cones?"

"Since Bush got into office."

"Oh for the love of…! Are we really that broke?"

Before Malik could answer that, a scream caught both of their attention and they turned to the side, watching as a woman ran from a guy by the lake. She shouted, "You perv!"

"Aw, c'mon! Just once! I promise it won't hurt!" He called after her, only to get smacked in the face by her heavy and out-of-date purse.

Malik raised an eyebrow, "That looked like it hurt…"

Marik nodded, "I bet anything he tries it again."

They watched and sure enough he got right back up and asked another woman for an odd favor. Marik shook his head, "Those idiots, they're doing it wrong. You won't believe it, Malik, but when you were gone, I saw this guy insult his girlfriend right before she gave her answer to marry him. It's ridiculous."

"Yeah, well, what can you do? People are idiots, it's the way of the world."

"Kinda makes me feel sorry for 'em, though."

"Ha, yeah right. I feel sorry for us." Malik sighed, scratching his head, "We don't even have fifty-nine cents, how sad is that?"

After a moment of silence, Marik blinked and grinned wickedly, turning to his hikari, "I've got an idea…!"

"Congrats."

Rolling his eyes, Marik began to run for the entrance of the park. He shouted back to Malik who stood there with a funny look on his face, "Come on, Malik, we have to go back to our house!"

"But why?"

"To get your camera!"

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_**TBC…**_

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Her Sweetness: Well, there you go. This chapter was short and unexciting and unfunny, but I swear the next chapter will be better. But. No one is GETTING a next chapter if I don't get any reviews, so… 

Click that purple button and make me happy!


	2. Introduction and Step One

Her Sweetness: Hey, we're still in the middle of the Marik and Malik Birthday Update Marathon! This story is pretty new and I'm so happy you guys liked the first chapter. Well, as promised, here's the next one!

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Marik's Guide To Becoming A Sexual Conquistador:

Chapter Two: Introduction And Step One

"_Marik_, can we… s-stop running…?"

"_Malik_, can you stop being a sissy?"

They both had long since left the park and had ran up the hill that Malik had been kicked down and they were almost halfway through the shopping district when Malik cried out, "Leg cramp!" And he fell to the floor in a tired and moaning pile. Marik had growled and told his hikari that if he didn't get up, he would kick the boy back to their house. When Malik responded that that might not be such a bad idea, Marik rolled his eyes and kept going. Malik, not wanting to be left alone, followed.

But now they were back on their street and even though Malik thought he might die, he made it, but barely.

Marik bounded up onto their porch and began to open the door right before Malik came behind him, weary and disoriented from exercise and knocked right into him. They tumbled into the house, knocking over tables and things.

"OUCH! Dammit, Malik! Watch where you're going!"

Malik, not listening to anything his yami was ranting about, dove into the couch and snuggled up to one of the pillows.

Marik frowned, standing, "What are you doing…?"

"Sleeping…" He mumbled, his face buried into the pillow and his bottom up in the air.

"We don't have time for this, c'mon, get up."

"Why do we never have time for anything? We don't have jobs, we don't go to school, and we turned down Otogi's offer to join his Book Club. We don't DO anything, so WHY don't we have TIME for stuff?"

The blank look on Marik's face gave Malik the only answer he needed. Marik shook his head and walked over to the couch, hooking two of his fingers through the boy's belt loop and dragging him off the sofa and up the stairs.

"W-Wah…! M-M-Marik!"

"Quiet, you." He said as they reached the upper level and he continued to drag his hikari into his bedroom. When they arrived, Marik set the other teen down on the floor and immediately ventured to his closet, throwing things out of the way and calling out, "Hey, Malik, where's your camera?"

"Ah, hey! Marik, you can't go through my things like that!"

"Oh, shut up. Where's that camera Ishizu bought you for Christmas?"

"Uh… I think it's under my jazzercise tapes but maybe I moved it…" He tapped his chine for a moment not noticing the fact that Marik was starring blankly at him, "Oh! Wait, now I know. It's in the bottom drawer of my dresser right there."

Nodding, Marik went over and opened the bottom drawer as instructed and moved a few thins around before shouting, "OH RA! WHAT THE HELL?" He scrambled away on his hands and knees, trying to get as far from the drawer as possible.

Malik blinked, "What is it?"

"You tell me!" He pointed inside it and Malik rolled his eyes, coming over and looking inside. He giggled before reaching in and pulling out an old sandwich with bluish-green mold all over it and a few hairs growing in the middle, "Oh, Marik, these sandwiches are from when Ishizu told me the world was ending. So I thought if I was going to live through it, I'd need supplies, such as food. And I hid it all here. But the world didn't end and I guess I forgot to eat these…"

"…" There was a long moment of silence before Marik narrowed his eyes, "Okay, just for that, _you_ have to dig in there for the stupid camera."

"Fine." He huffed before reaching down into the drawer of mold and moving his hand around. While searching he said, "Hey, you never told me what we're doing, Marik. And I'm not going to let this camera be used for evil, so you can just forget any plans about spying on people while they're using the bathroom."

"Ha!" Marik snatched the camera when it was dug out, "This idea of mine goes far beyond bathroom pleasures, Malik!"

"Is that a fact?"

"Yes! You see, this is a matter of the heart and the wallet! When I was out in the park today, I had an epiphany—"

"You don't even know what that means…"

"STOP INTERRUPTING ME! _Anyway_, since I observed how absolutely _pitiful_ these mortals are at these so-called 'relationships', I will now by taking it upon myself to teach them by means of an instructional video. And, with my wonderful How To guide, I will rake in loads of money and then I will be able to finally buy the ever elusive ice-cream cone! Ha ha!" He grinned, looking down at his hikari, "What do ya think about that?"

"…"Malik blinked, "You're crazy."

"Uh, yeah, crazy with _knowledge_!"

"No, just crazy."

Marik glared, hopping down from the bed which was where he had given his speech. He leaned in the doorway, "Well, c'mon, we don't have any time to waste. I, as you may or may not know, will be doing the talking seeing as how I am the expert in this area."

"Ha, since when?"

That remark was ignored as Marik looked Malik up and down, "Oh. I guess you need something to do, too. Can't have you just taking up space."

Malik rolled his eyes, "Yeah, because everyone knows I'm the dumb and lazy one."

"Hey, good to see we're on the same page!"

"…!"

"Hmm… What can you do…? Oh! Hey, I got it! Here." He lightly tossed the camera to Malik who failed to catch it and it conked him in the head. The teen yelped and groaned, holding his head with both hands as he writhed on the floor.

"_Ow_…! W-What was that for?"

"Shake it off. You're going to man the camera, Malik."

He rubbed his head sorely, "I'm going to do what?"

"Be cameraman. I can't be brilliant, gorgeous _and_ film myself all at the same time. So this is your job, aren't you excited?"

"Yeah, and I just can't hide it…"

"Good." He smirked and motioned for Malik, who was now getting over his injury, to follow him with the camera. They both went downstairs and when they stopped in the living room, Marik looked around and said, "Nah… It's too dark in here to film, let's go outside and do it."

"Why?" Malik whined.

"Because I said so! Who's the star of this video?"

"Don't you mean who's the _self-proclaimed _star?"

"… We're going outside." He said sternly before kicking his hikari in the rear, thus forcing him out of the open front door and down the stairs of the porch. When he landed, none-too-gracefully on his head, he crawled to his feet and held up his precious camera that seemed to be unharmed.

He glared back at Marik who was coolly walking down the steps, hopping off the last step and landing elegantly on his left foot.

"Very funny…"

"I thought so." Marik smirked, walking into the street and looking around. He nodded, "Yep, this'll be a great place to shoot. C'mon, Malik, are you a tortoise or something? Get a move on!"

"I'm _coming_! Damn, you're annoying…"

"What'd you say?"

"Nothin."

Malik sighed, taking off the lens cap and turning the camera on. He had his finger over the record button and pressed down, "Speed."

"…"

"Speed!"

"What? What's speed?"

"Rolling!"

"Oh. So, we're rolling?"

"Yes!"

"Oh, okay, start again."

"… Speed."

"… Rolling, right?"

"YES!"

"OKAY!" Marik cleared his throat and turned to the camera, "Hi and welcome to… uh… Heh heh. Hi and welcome to _Marik_'s Guide To Becoming a Sexual Conquistador! We'll be—"

He was interrupted at hearing Malik bust out into uncontrollable laughter. Marik's eye twitched and he growled, "Just what is so funny?"

"Ah ha…! Oh, Ra, that's great! W-What the hell is a 'sexual conquistador'? Ah ha ha HA!"

"Shut… up." He frowned, waiting until Malik got enough control over himself and could hold the camera without shaking. Marik snorted and turned back to the lens, "As I was saying, we'll be journeying through the anus of the dating system and for those of you who have never _had_ a date, you'll be a pro by the time this ends. I'll be going through the basic steps and advanced techniques, while explaining to you the way your object of affection is operating. I'll guide you through the tough times when you feel like hiding under a kitty-litter box and I'll take credit for it when you succeed!"

Malik rolled his eyes.

"Okay, well, let's get started, shall we? The first and most important part of venturing out to find a mate is finding a _suitable_ one. Now, I'm not encouraging anyone to have playboy standards because everyone knows that they are _airbrushed_—"

"They are not!" Malik shouted from behind the camera.

Marik nodded, "Yes, Malik, it's true. When they took those pictures, your cellulite was airbrushed out."

"Stop saying that!"

"Ahem. Anyways, let's continue with the first step. Finding a suitable partner. Now, this may not always be easy, seeing as how 93.5 percent of the population is ugly, but you must strive for the best you can." He turned to his tearful cameraman, "Hey, cut it off."

He nodded and stopped the recording, holding the camera by the strap, "Why'd you stop?"

"Well, I decided that I need to give the people visuals to help them learn. They need more than me talking."

"… Visuals?"

"Heh heh, follow me." Marik turned and started across the street, motioning for Malik to get a move on. He followed his yami as they were going down the sidewalk and just as Malik was about to ask where they were going, Marik stopped right in front of Ryou and Bakura's house. He went up the driveway and rung the doorbell, which sounded like the theme song from Bonanza.

Finally, after approximately twenty-three rings, the door opened and Bakura poked his head out, "We don't want any! … Oh, it's you."

Marik and Malik looked at each other then back at Bakura, "What's with the weird greeting?"

"Those damned Girl Scouts are at it again! Them and their stupid door-to-door methods! And they come in _groups_; groups, I tell you!"

Malik shrugged, "I don't know what you're talking about, I like their cookies."

Bakura lowered his voice and narrowed his eyes, "I'm not talking about _those kinds _of Girl Scouts…"

"… Well… w-what other kind is there?"

"Look!" He shouted before flinging the door wide open, revealing to the blondes a living room full of different color toilets. All sizes, shapes and colors just… sitting there.

The boys looked at each other again, "Ookay…"

"All these damned Girl Scout Toilets… Why do we need all of these, huh? WHY? There's no reason! No reason at all!"

"Alright, calm down!" Marik grabbed the albino's arm and pulled him outside, "You need some fresh air, man. We need help with something anyway, so just come with us."

"… Alright. What do you need help with?"

Marik smirked.

…

In less than ten minutes, Marik had explained the whole ordeal to Bakura and though the tomb robber thought it was pretty cool at first, he didn't think that for long. Because right after that, Marik explained what they needed him for. And he wasn't happy.

They were back on the street and Malik had his button on the record button, the lens aimed at Marik who was standing about six feet in front of it. Malik called out, "Speed!"

Marik nodded, "Many people confuse ugliness with inner beauty. I'm sure you've heard songs like, 'Beauty's Only Skin Deep' and 'Beautiful Soul'. Many people get mixed signals. Well, let me clarify. Inner beauty is when the person may not be as cute as most but can win you over with well-baked muffins and see-through underwear. Ugliness is when you use that person to scare crows away. There _is_ a difference. And now, I will be demonstrating said difference with my visual aid." He waved over off camera at someone and, slowly but surely, a pale figure dressed in drag with makeup splattered all over their face appeared. Bakura was utterly mortified as he stood next to Marik, looking like a sad clown.

The Egyptian continued his demonstration and talked over the titters of the guy operating the camera. He pointed to Bakura's mess up face, "Let's start from here. As you can see, the face is awful and would be very hard to look at while engaging in intimate activity without busting out in laughter." His hand moved lower, "And, for guys who are interested in this department… As you can see, this woman is probably an A cup. And over here we notice that the stomach is hanging over the belt." They had given Bakura a pillow to stuff under his dress and ordered him to stick his stomach out as much as possible, "And finally, we can see that this specimen has big feet. Not a desirable trait. Basically anything opposite of this is A-Okay."

Bakura growled under his breath, "Are you done making a fool out of me?"

"Hmm… Yup, that's about it for this. Malik, cut the camera."

"Got it." He pressed the button and then giggled, "Hey, Bakura, I like your dress."

Bakura blinked, looking down at the black cocktail dress he was wearing, "Oh, thanks. I got it from Ryou's closet."

"…"

"…"

It was silent for a moment before Bakura groaned, "Can I go now? I think I've had enough humiliation for one day."

Marik smiled, "Ah, but the day is young! And we still have to give people their money's worth. On to the next step! Bakura, you'll be needed for this too. Actually, you can just stick around. I'm thinking and you'll be good for a lot of things."

Both Malik and Bakura looked at each other, "What's the next step?"

"How to ask your object of affection on a date, of course."

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**_TBC…_**

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Her Sweetness: Well, hope you enjoyed that. BTW, on my bio, you'll see that I am now doing a collaboration story with The Long Name Ending In Cookie! Please go check it out, the links are up! 


	3. Step Two and Three: Hard Salami and Such

Her Sweetness: Welcome, welcome. This one is off Hiatus list finally. This one is going to be kind of hard for me, I think but since it is Marik and Malik centered, it should go swimmingly. Any of you who know my work know I do well with them.

Anyway, let us carry on. (Sorry this didn't get out yesterday, like I said, this one will be hard to work into at first)

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Marik's Guide To Becoming A Sexual Conquistador:

Chapter Three: Step Two and Three - Hard Salamis and Such

"How to ask your object of affection on a date, of course."

Malik and Bakura looked at each other.

"Marik, you've never asked anyone out on a date, how would you be able to school anyone on that?" Malik asked, putting the camera in his hand to his hip.

"Pheh. You don't know me, Malik," he retorted.

"Yeah, I do!"

Marik raised an eyebrow and then dropped it. "Shut up. Roll the camera."

Malik sighed but did as he was told.

"Now," said Marik, resuming his informing voice, "if you've found that special person who meets your physical fancy, you're probably wondering how to get them to spend time with you, namely, a date. I know the word can be very frightening for some but bare with me as I, Marik the Love Genie, take you through the necessary procedure."

Bakura wrinkled his nose. "Love Genie?"

"Yes? What of it?"

"It sounds like a perfume."

"…" Marik turned to his hikari. "Cut."

"Yep. So how are you going to do this? Gonna ask _Bakura _out on a date?" Malik grinned.

"_No_, I've got a better idea. Hmm…" Marik paused and looked up and down Sphincter Avenue. There was little foot traffic that day but, luckily, he spotted a pregnant woman on the other side of the street. She seemed so big that she might've had a two year old child in her instead of a fetus and so she was having trouble getting up onto the curb. Marik eyed her for only a second before saying, "Perfect! Come on, you two."

"What? Marik! You can't harass a pregnant lady!" Malik protested, standing in his yami's way.

"Who said anything about harassment? I'm going to give her a woman's dream come true - a date with yours truly!"

Malik rolled his eyes.

"Come on," Marik motioned to his companions and they followed him over and they stopped about five feet away from the woman who was still attempting to get onto the curb. "Roll the camera, Malik."

"Rolling."

"Ahem. Here, I will show you the way to approach your lady-love. Or, if circumstances are different, man-love. Notice that our object of affection is in distress. This is the key! Help out to start conversation and maybe they'll throw you one of those 'I owe you one' lines. You can collect early."

"Um, Marik," Bakura said.

"Not now, you. Anyway, I'm going to-"

"Marik!"

"Ugh! What? What is it?"

"Look," he pointed behind the Egyptian to where the lady had managed to get herself onto the curb and was starting to walk away. "She's not in distress anymore."

Malik kept the camera rolling as an annoyed expression came over his yami's face. Marik walked over to the lady and pushed her back, tipping her over and causing her to lay on her back, squirming like a turtle, unable to get up.

Malik's jaw dropped.

"Here, let me help you," Marik said, grabbing her hand and yanking her up.

She looked around and seemed confused and afraid. "Um…"

"Listen, I've been watching you for a long time and I think you're neater than hard salami. Wanna go somewhere later?"

There was a pause.

The woman scrunched up her face and gestured to her ballooned stomach. "Does this mean _nothing_ to you?"

"We could work around it."

She reared back and slapped him, leaving a hand-print on his cheek.

"Oh, shit!" he cried out, holding his face. "That hurt!"

She stormed off.

Malik and Bakura were snickering behind the camera.

"Uh, ahem… and that, my pupils, is how _not_ to get a date," Marik said hoping to cover his mistake. "And, ah, my assistant here will be demonstrating the correct way."

"…"

"Bakura, you idiot, get over here!"

"Fine, fine," Bakura shuffled over. "What?"

"Go after her!" He pointed to the pregnant woman escaping.

"Why don't we try someone easy? No pregnant woman's going to be interested in dating."

"Correction," Malik said conversationally, "No woman, _period_, would be interested in dating _Marik_."

"Malik! Shut up and… and camera!"

"Camera? Don't you mean-"

"Never mind!" he roared. "Bakura, she's getting away!"

Bakura shrugged, putting his hands in his jean pockets and going after her. Malik and Marik followed, the former with the camera poised.

"Hey. Hey, miss," Bakura said, tapping her on the shoulder.

"What?" she turned around.

"I've got a few idea names for your baby. Maybe we could go have coffee or something and I can tell you?"

She blinked and then her eyes began to shine. "Oh, that's a wonderful idea! I've been stuck for names! Thank you so much."

"Great," Marik said, walking in front of both Bakura and the woman and talking to the camera, "Noticing something about your object of affection may help to break the ice. Comments on the obvious are always appreciated with women."

"Do I get my date now?" asked the woman, annoyed once again.

"No," Marik and Bakura answered.

They began to walk away with a whining Malik in tow and the woman was left on the street. She sighed sadly, "Used again."

Meanwhile, on the other side of the street…

Malik said, "You know, you guys, if this is going to be a real guide, we've got a lot of film of you guys saying things completely irrelevant."

"That's why, annoying hikari of mine, we have an editor when it's finished."

"… We do? Who?"

"You."

"… Huh? I have to be editor _too_?"

The two yamis exchanged glances. "Well, we don't know how to edit."

"What makes you think I do then?"

"You're a smart cookie, Malik, you'll map it out."

Malik felt something close to happiness for a split second and then his face dropped. "You don't really mean that."

"No. No, I don't."

"What's next?" Bakura asked, ignoring Malik's crumbling self-esteem.

"The date! Er, rather, preparing for the date."

"Why does that require directing?" Bakura raised an eyebrow. "Everyone knows how to get dressed."

"Ah, but it's not that simple."

"Nothing ever is with you."

"I choose to take that as a compliment. Quick, to the bathroom!"

Malik and Bakura quirked their eyebrows.

Since Bakura's house was nearest (and, because of Ryou's incessant cleaning habits, the cleanest bathroom on the block) the three boys went inside the home and up the stairs into Bakura's bathroom which had far less perfumes and loofa sponges than Ryou's.

Bakura stood in front of the mirror as Malik filmed him and Marik told Bakura to "follow narration."

"Preparation for a date! Showering is a must but try not to use scented soap unless you're not going to use cologne. Nobody wants to smell you from fifty feet away-"

"Unless it's Cinnamon Dreampop," Malik interjected. "Yum yum."

Marik sent him a sharp glance. "Anyway. Shaving is next."

Bakura held up a razor and began to rid himself of his peach-fuzz, scraping too hard and leaving a trail of blood down the side of his face.

"Oops," he said.

Marik groaned.

"I got it covered…" IHe raised a bottle of rubbing alcohol off of the sink and splashed it on the wounded side of his face. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Marik nodded solemnly towards the camera. "Fun fact: don't do what you just witnessed."

Bakura ran screaming into the shower stall and hit his head on the tile.

"Sabotaging yourself can be achieved easily. Don't overdo your preparations," Marik concluded.

There was a knock at the door. It was Ryou's voice: "Bakura? You okay in there?"

"MY FACE IS BURNING!"

"Are you making a mess? Do I need to clean up that bathroom again?"

Marik growled, "Ryou leave us alone, we're busy!"

"Marik? You're in there as well? Who else is in there?"

"Me," said Malik, busy filming Bakura writhing in pain on the bottom of the tub.

* * *

_**TBC…**_

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Her Sweetness: Sometimes these chapters will be very short and other times long. I was going to make this one shorter but I figured that would be unfair without a heads-up. The chapters will get better, hope this wasn't too bad… 

Review if you want another chapter.


	4. Step Four: Keys to the First Date

Her Sweetness: Hey, guys, thank you for the reviews. Work has been _killing _me this week. -cries- It's so _hard_!

-pout- But I'm sure you don't want to hear of my woes. You want Marik and Malik, right? Fine, take them.

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Marik's Guide to Becoming a Sexual Conquistador:

Chapter Four: Step Four - Keys to the First Date

"Me," said Malik, busy filming Bakura writhing in pain on the bottom of the tub.

"Well, come out of there! I just cleaned," Ryou whined.

Marik groaned and told Malik to stop the camera, which he did, already tired of filming Bakura who seemed to have recovered though was pouting. "You could have told me not to put that on my face," he growled at Marik as they exited the bathroom. "I mean for Ra's sake."

"You did it before I could say anything, what did you want me to do? Throw myself on top of you, shouting in slow-motion, '_Nooooooo!_'?"

Bakura shrugged.

Ryou had his hands on his hips as they came into the hallway. "What were you guys-Oh my god, Bakura, your face! What happened?"

"I cut myself shaving."

"… But… but you don't have any-"

"Hush."

Ryou frowned. He noticed Malik with the camera in his hand. "What's that for?"

"We're making a, ahem, video," Marik said, butting in.

"Oh… what's it called?"

Marik seemed to perk up. He said proudly, "Marik's Guide to Becoming a S-"

"N-No!" Malik laughed, waving his hands at his yami. "No, please, I cannot bare that again!"

Before Marik could backhand his hikari, a metaphorical light bulb flashed over his head. He looked at Ryou and asked, "Hey, could we use your living room, do you think? For the next scene."

"Sure. I have to clean in there anyway." He went for the bathroom, a can of Lysol and a roll of paper towels at the ready.

In the living room…

Marik and Bakura were sitting on the couch. There had been a coffee table between them and the television set but Malik had moved the table out of the way so he could film at a good distance.

"I feel stupid," Bakura admitted, twisting his mouth. They had stuffed socks in Bakura's shirt as his substitute boobies and told him, when he spoke, to speak in a feminine voice.

"When _don't _you?" Malik muttered.

Bakura sent him a sharp glare.

"Both of you, shut up," Marik said. "Let's get this show on the road."

"Rolling."

"And now, the date. It's a well-known rule that if you ask the person out, you should chose and pay, if there's any paying to be done. If you have no money, I suggest sneaking into the place of your choice. However, if you get caught, this may be a huge turn off for your partner-to-be and you may be misconstrued as a clumsy dork.

"If you're too much of a chicken to try this, then I suggest engaging in a frugal activity. Careful not to be too frugal, because you may be misconstrued as poor and no one likes to ride a broken horse, _if_ you catch my drift." He winked, had trouble with the wink, and made it look as if he had something in his eye.

Malik stifled a giggle.

Marik continued, "Um, anyway, going to places like the park or the beach is always a good idea. Or, my favorite, taking the date to your place. It's familiar territory so you feel like you have a better advantage. Make your date feel welcome and comfortable." He turned to Bakura: the date.

"So, tell me about yourself," he said.

Bakura frowned. "I have a mold problem in my basement and my parents are siblings."

Malik choked on spit.

Marik shouted, "CUT!"

"Marik, only the director can say cut!" Malik argued.

"I am the director!"

"Oh… well, I forgot; I have so many damn jobs…"

"Bakura, be serious!" Marik turned his attention to Bakura.

"How can I be? This is ridiculous, why do _I_ have to be the girl?"

"Because I'm the only one out of the three of us who doesn't use Pantene!"

Malik looked at Bakura with interest. "You too?"

Ryou, who everyone thought was in the bathroom, came out of the kitchen just at that moment with a pan full of chocolate chip cookies into the living room. "Cookies," he sang and everyone looked at him.

Ten minutes later (after most of the cookies had been devoured) they tried it again, using a somewhat different approach.

"Now, on your standard first date, you always want to incorporate food, which is a great conversation piece. Say, for instance, you two are eating what you've cooked at your house. If neither of you can think of a thing to say, comment on the their chewing habits."

Bakura was watching Marik with waning interest and biting into his fifth cookie.

Marik took this opportunity to point at Bakura's jaw and said, casually, "Your cheeks puff out when you chew."

"… You spray when you chew."

"See?" Marik turned back to the camera. "Always an icebreaker. And if the food isn't good, you can talk about it and that leads to other conversations that wouldn't normally be touched upon, such as powerful laxatives and good bathroom reading material, _therefore_ starting a meaningful and honest relationship.

"The real purpose of the first date is to check out your compatibility levels. To see if your _stars are aligned_!"

Bakura rolled his eyes.

"You never want to seem too romantic on the first date. Not only do you seem desperate but also a little creepy. Try not to offer to dance, even if you are curious to know the nature of their ability to get jiggy with it. That part comes later."

"Am I involved in that too?" Bakura mumbled.

Marik ignored him. "A comfortable thing to do in your house is maybe play video games or watch a movie. Romanic movies may make both parties feel uncomfortable and pressured into dramatic speeches at the doorstep or crying in the rain. Comedies are always a safe bet and horror movies are even better."

"I like horror," Bakura said.

"See? A win-win situation. Now, there is a taboo subject I would like to cover. Farting."

Everyone gasped.

"Marik," his hikari whispered, "that's gross!"

"Shut up, you. The truth will be revealed! My students, don't be ashamed of your bodily functions. … Okay, be a little ashamed. Don't do it in front of your date. Especially not on a first date. It gives flashing signs that you don't care about hygiene or air pollution. Later on, at specific times, it may be good for a laugh but don't try it at first.

"But, as my cameraman knows, it can be unavoidable at times."

"MARIK!"

"In which case," he continued, "deal with the problem with dignity. If you are in good standing with Ra, maybe he will bless you with odorless gas. If you're not, then open a window, use a fan, or blame it on the dog. Whatever you do, don't go on a fifteen-minute laughing jag as that may make your date uncomfortable and may release another.

"If you don't have a dog or are ready to take responsibility for yourself, apologize and then proceed to pretend like nothing happened. Having an incident like that on your dating resume just isn't dignified. I believe my assistant has a story to share with us on this matter."

Bakura cleared his throat. "Yeah, well. One time I had gone out to eat with this guy and, at the time, I had no idea he was crushing on me. But, he was and while we were eating, he cut one and I was laughing about it and told everyone in the restaurant. He was mortified."

"You ever hear from him again?"

"Not personally. Saw him on the TV though, next day. Seems he hung himself."

"That's not fun."

"It's not fun at all. It's not dignified. I felt terrible."

"Really?"

"No."

"Well, there you have it," Marik said, turning back to the camera. "Flatulence is not appreciated. Cut."

Malik stopped the camera and sighed. "That was painful to watch."

"You just don't have a backbone. Come on, to the porch now. We have to wrap this step up."

"The porch?" Malik whined. "I'm tired."

Marik through his shoe at him and that shut him up, at least for the moment. So the miniature movie crew headed out onto the porch. Outside, the sun had long since left the sky and the stars were out. The porch light was on and a few moths hovered around it.

"Ah," Marik breathed in heavily. "A wonderful setting for the goodnight kiss!"

"Goodnight kiss?" Malik and Bakura exclaimed.

"Hold on a second, bucko," Bakura tapped Marik, "I never said anything about sharing a kiss with you."

Marik groaned. "Where's your adventure, huh, Bakura?"

"Not down your throat, that's for damn sure."

He frowned. "Malik, roll it."

"Rolling…"

Both Marik and Bakura were standing in front of the door and Malik watched through the lens.

"Now, the first goodnight kiss used to be thought of as a peck on the cheek but times have progressed to things far beyond. However, this is still a nerve-racking part of the night. No one wants a pitiful handshake and if you receive one, that means you are horrifyingly boring.

"The way you can sense the outcome beforehand is body language. If your date looks at you starry-eyed and parts his or her lips, that's a dead giveaway. If they're tight-lipped and practically running to their car, that's either a giveaway that they don't like you very much or you have bad breath. Always keep a mint in your pocket."

Marik looked at Bakura expectantly.

Bakura rolled his eyes and leant in, giving Marik a quick peck on the cheek.

Marik nodded professionally. "A peck on the cheek is a sign of your date having interest but wanting to take it slow. Or being painfully shy. Really doesn't matter at this point. The date is over and he or she is leaving."

Bakura stood there, looking annoyed.

"_Leave_," Marik whispered.

"Fine, fine!" Bakura walked out of view of the camera.

"Cut."

Malik stopped the camera. "That was real cute the way you pooched your lips, Bakura."

"I'll pooch something of yours if you don't shut up."

* * *

_**TBC…**_

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Her Sweetness: Review if you want another chapter, guys. Encouragement is the key! 


	5. Step Five: Situations of the Next Day

Her Sweetness: Sorry for the long wait. I'm trying to get my newest fic _Firefly_ off the ground. XD Somebody help me with the reviews on that thing!

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Marik's Guide to Becoming a Sexual Conquistador:

Chapter Five: Step Five - Situations of the Next Day

They stepped off of the porch and onto the springy grass. Malik raised both his arms over his head, stretching and yawning. When he opened his eyes, both Marik and Bakura were looking at him.

"What? It's been a long day."

"I'll say," Marik said, nodding. "Educating the masses is a dirty job but someone's got to do it."

"Pheh. More like poisoning the masses' minds with your generic love tips."

Marik frowned.

Bakura shook his head at the two of them. "Well, see you guys later," he said as he headed back towards his porch.

"Huh? Later?" Marik looked at him.

"Marik, for once, Malik is right; it's nighttime and I'm really tired. We should continue tomorrow."

"Aw, you baby!"

"Flattery will get you nowhere."

Marik sighed heavily. "Fine, be that way."

"Oh, I will."

"We'll break for the night and resume in the morning," Marik said, ignoring Bakura's comment. He clapped his hands together. "Let's go."

Bakura continued to walk home and Marik and his hikari went back to their own two-story wonderland. When Malik had brushed his teeth (Marik not bothering), he peeked into Marik's bedroom and asked, "Marik, just how long is this charade going to go on?"

"Until we cover everything, duh."

"Everything?"

"Yeah, all the steps. You want to have angry customers who've bought the video to turn into a mob and bombard us with pitchforks because we skipped some steps and they have to spend the rest of their lives running from jilted lovers?"

"… _No_…"

"Enough said then. 'Night."

"… 'Night…"

The next morning, on the Ishtars' front lawn…

"Okay!" Marik said cheerfully. Or as close to cheerful as Marik could ever come. "We have another long day of filming ahead of us. Did everyone sleep well?"

Bakura raised his hand. "I did."

"Great! Malik?"

"Well, I kind of have this crook in my neck and—"

"Lost interest! Okay, so, for our next step…"

A shadow passed over Malik's face.

"I'm thinking we should cover the morning after the first date," Marik continued, paying his emotionally scarred hikari no mind. "You know, there's this whole taboo about whether you should call the person the next morning or two mornings or whatever."

"I've never heard that myth," Bakura said.

"You must live in a box."

Bakura narrowed his eyes. "So? It's a _nice _box."

"…"

Malik raised his camera up. "Are we gonna start any time soon?"

"Um… yeah…" Marik cleared his throat and turned around to Malik while shooing Bakura out of the shot. "Alright, we're ready."

"Rolling."

"And now, my loyal fans, for step five. After your first adventure with the object of your affection, you now have decisions to make. How does this person's personality sit with you? Are you two compatible? Does he or she have unnatural eating habits? Is this person bootylicious? All these questions will need answering in order for you to know if you should call this person for a second date."

Marik reached into his back pocket and pulled out his cell phone. "If you answer all these questions to your liking then your only options are to either cal this person or spend the rest of your life wallowing in solitude and woe. If you choose to call and don't know when, I recommend looking back to your goodnight kiss for help. If the object of your affection kissed you passionately, then call right away. When taking the fast route, you're sure to make your way to booty calls quickly."

"Marik!" Malik chided.

"Hush. But, for a lasting relationship, you may want to go a bit slower. If you remember, my date kissed me on the cheek, which is a sign of interest and infatuation—"

"You wish," Bakura interrupted, shaking his fist. Said fist got into the shot.

Marik pushed him. "Get out of the way!"

"Yeah, that's what she said—"

"MOVE!" he roared. He cleared his throat again and smoothed back his hair. "Anyway. If you received a cheek-kiss like I did, you'll want to call maybe later the next day. Now, maybe your date is a little eager, as cheek-kissers most often are."

"Why's that?" Malik asked spontaneously.

Marik frowned. "Because cheek-kissers are mostly _virgins_. Bakura, don't even start, I don't mean you."

"I didn't _say_ anything," he seethed.

"But you were going to."

"Damn straight."

"As I was saying," Marik resumed, "if you date happens to be the eager little go-getter most cheek-kissers are, they are almost definitely going to call you. If you like this person and have assessed that the two of you are well on your way to candy-coated bliss, accept the call and the date they propose. If this person has turned out to be your nightmare come true, I don't suggest ignoring their call, as they may grow hell-bent on getting your attention and turn into underwear-stealing, stalking freaks of nature."

Bakura and Malik raised their eyebrows.

"I do suggest, however, that you answer and make them angry with you by insulting their taste in clothes and their face. If you are successful, they will leave you alone and you can repeat steps one through four to find another significant other. I do warn you to be careful, my protégées, because too much taunting may lead to having dishonorable and untrue things written about you on the local public restroom."

There was a long pause.

"… Hello?" Malik peeped over the camera lens.

Marik blinked, looking around. "Who? What?"

"You just stopped talking."

"Oh. Sorry. Meant to say cut."

Malik turned the camera off. "Something tells me I'll be up all night doing the editing for this thing. Will neither of you two help me out?"

"Nope!" they said in unison.

Malik frowned.

"Now, let's see. For the next scene, we'll just need to give an example of the morning after conversation. Bakura, you have a cell phone?"

"Me? What would I need a cell phone for?"

Marik sighed and held out his hand to his hikari. "Malik, we'll have to use yours for now." When Malik handed his over, Marik gave it to Bakura. "Malik, you're going to have to film us both. That means switching the camera's position when the speaker changes. Are you up to the challenge?"

"I have a choice?"

"Ha ha ha ha! Oh, Malik, you're so cute when you ask dumb questions."

"…"

"Let's begin then. Bakura, follow my lead."

Malik sighed, "Rolling."

"Hello?" Bakura asked into his phone.

Malik turned.

"Hey, sugarlips, it's Big Papa," Marik said.

Malik turned.

Bakura grimaced. "Um. Hey."

Malik turned.

"So did you have fun last night?"

Malik turned.

"Not especially."

Malik turned.

"Bakura, you ass!" Marik whispered.

Malik turned.

"I mean, yeah, sure."

Malik turned.

"Ahem. So would you like to go out again?"

Malik turned.

"Depends. Are you paying?"

Malik turned.

"… Whatever, I guess."

Malik turned.

"Okay."

Malik turned.

"Call you later with the when and where."

Malik turned.

"Sounds great... Bye."

Malik turned.

"Bye." Marik flipped his phone off. "Cut. That was good, _all things considered_," he said, looking at Bakura. Bakura shrugged in response and Marik looked at his hikari. "Ready for the next scene?"

Malik was on the ground, panting, "I-I'm so exhausted!"

* * *

_**TBC…**_

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Her Sweetness: Reviews, please! Next chapter will be out sooner with reviews. :D 


	6. Step Six: Kicking It Up A Notch! Part 1

Her Sweetness: Heh heh… Hey, there! Sorry for the long wait, ladies, I've just been dealing with stuff on top of writer's block. I think I may be losing my talent I once had…

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Marik's Guide to Becoming a Sexual Conquistador:

Chapter Six: Step Six - Kicking It Up A Notch! (Part 1)

Malik was on the ground, panting, "I-I'm so exhausted!"

"On your feet, Malik!" Marik said sternly, nudging his hikari with a toe. Malik moved a little and grumbled. When he was finally up, Marik was smiling at his two-man team. "Ready for the next step?"

"Why do you ask us when we don't have a choice?" Malik grumbled.

"Oh, Bakura can leave anytime. I can't keep him here," Marik said.

"And what about me?" Malik screeched.

"Don't worry," Bakura said, patting him heartily on the back, "you're not stuck with him forever."

"That's what you think," Malik mumbled.

Marik narrowed his eyes a bit but continued nonetheless. "The next step is the second date," he announced.

Malik shrugged, camera in hand. "What's so special about the second date?"

"Duh! It's where we start to heat up!"

"Heat up?"

Bakura took a step away from Marik. "Wait a minute, just what does that mean? _Heat_ up? I'm not going to be having sex with you, am I?"

Marik snarled, "Of course not!"

"Phew."

"It's too early for that."

"WHAT?"

"Come on, you two, let's put our heads together," Marik said thoughtfully, ignoring Bakura's hyperventilating. "Where would be a good place to have the next date…"

Malik raised his hand. "The park?"

"Nah, too casual."

"Disney World?" Bakura asked, still a bit morose.

"How would we get to Disney World?" Marik asked, eyebrow raised. "WAIT! I have an idea."

"Oh, no." Malik frowned. "What is it?"

Marik wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at his camera crew. "Follow me, blokes."

"Marik, stop trying to talk like Ryou."

"Shut up!"

The rest of the day was spent resting as, Marik told his two-man crew, there would be a busy night ahead. Bakura still protested but Marik called Ryou over to their house and he shushed his other half with fresh baked cookies.

All four of the boys were still at the Ishtar's house as the afternoon turned to dusk and the stars could be seen through the living room window. Marik looked up from another fresh batch of Ryou's cookies and said, mouth full, "Let's go, guys! Time to get to work!"

"Aw," Ryou frowned. "Must you go so soon?"

Marik stepped foreword. "Yes, my darling, I must away. As the moon sweeps over the—"

"Just what the hell is going on?" Malik screeched.

Marik waved him away. "Just a little in-house theatre. Come on, you two."

And with that, Bakura and Malik followed Marik out of the house and onto the front lawn. They got to the sidewalk and turned off of Sphincter Avenue, heading toward the heart of Domino.

"Got the camera, Malik?"

Malik held it up. "Yes." He rolled his eyes and mumbled, "_Told_ you I didn't need it stapled to my head…"

"Well, I just want to cover all the basis."

"Where're we heading?" Bakura asked.

"Central Domino. There's a quaint little restaurant I know of that will be perfect for our location. And hey, second dates are supposed to be in a romantically quiet setting, you know."

Malik wrinkled his nose. "Why?"

"To feel the vibes, you idiot."

"I thought you said the first date was about feeling vibes."

"Yeah, _compatibility vibes_."

"What vibes are we looking into tonight?"

"Sexual."

"There won't be any sex!" Bakura roared.

Marik shook his head and didn't say anything whilst Bakura rambled about how he would never ever in a million _years_ have sex with Marik. Malik found himself missing Ryou's freshly baked cookies.

Finally, they made it to Central Domino and the shops were lit up with lanterns outside and people were walking all over the streets, laughing and kissing and being politically incorrect. Marik led his two-man team to a restaurant across from a local coffee shop. The restaurant itself was quaint indeed but many people were inside, dressed in the appropriate attire for a night out.

As they stood just outside, Malik looked down at their own clothes. "Marik… I don't think we're dressed up enough."

"What do you mean?"

"We'll look out of place!"

Bakura rolled his eyes. "Oh shut up. I'm hungry and I'm not putting on a tie just to eat finger food." With that, he walked in, much to Malik's chagrin.

Marik walked in afterwards and Malik followed.

The hostess looked at them disapprovingly. "Yes? Can I help you?" she asked.

Marik leaned up on the podium and wiggled his eyebrows at the woman. "Please give us your best table, young lady. We're very important people, you see."

"Is that a fact?" She deadpanned.

"Oh yes."

She let them in only because of her lack of interest. She did not, however, give them the best table nor did she believe they were important. They ended up in a booth in the back corner of the restaurant, surrounded by already full tables. When the hostess left, Marik made Bakura and Malik switch places, explaining that Malik needed a clear shot of the two of them together.

Malik hoisted the camera up. "Rolling."

"Hello, faithful students! I'm here on my second date with the current object of my affection."

Bakura grunted.

Marik continued unaffected, "The objective of your second date is to kick up the romance a notch. If you're here, this means that this person's first few layers are compatible with yours. Or maybe they're just really hot. For your second date, the ideal locations would probably be going out to eat instead of staying at your house. If you stay in too often they'll think you're trying to get them in the sack. No skipping steps!"

Malik groaned.

Just then, the waiter arrived and Marik motioned for his hikari to get the man into the shot as well.

"Hi, my name is Mike, I'll be your… server… this evening? Are you filming me?"

"Hush up," Marik growled at him. He put his arm around Bakura and said yami looked quite unhappy. "Ahem, we'll have…" he looked down at the menu, "the pasta plate and two glasses of white wine."

Malik peeked from behind the camera. "Wait, just who is paying for this?"

Bakura added, "And two baked potatoes, a steak cooked rare, a shrimp scampi—"

"Hey!" Malik protested.

"Shut it, the both of you," Marik snapped, then turned to the waiter, "Um, that will be all."

"O… Okay…" he said thoughtfully and walked away.

Turning back to the camera, Marik reassumed his television persona. "And now for the seduction. Take note as my date succumbs to my manly charms."

Bakura looked at Marik blandly.

"So how have you been lately, sugar?"

"Gassy."

Malik choked.

Marik hit Bakura over the back of the head. "Be serious!" he whispered.

Bakura rolled his eyes. "_Fine_, I've been just _fine_. And you?"

"Thinking about you all day. I missed you when you left the other day, you know," Marik said, scooting closer to the pale yami.

Mike came back then, with a large platter of food, most of which belonged to Bakura. As the server sat the plates down in front of everyone and then the glasses, he looked over to Malik who was still operating the camera. "Um, sir, did you order anything?"

Malik sighed and shook his head.

Mike left and Bakura began to delve in on his various courses, starting with the steak. Malik flinched.

Marik turned back to the camera. "Now that the food has arrived, it is time to set the mood. I usually lick my eyebrows."

Bakura slowed his chewing and looked up, mildly interested.

Marik whipped out his tongue and indeed licked his eyebrows.

"That's sick," Malik muttered.

"Is that supposed to turn me on?" Bakura asked, a tad bit freaked out.

"That, and increase wind-resistance," he said, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Oh good Ra."

"Another thing to do for mood-setting is to take the food into consideration. Under certain circumstances, it can be highly sexual, if used in the right way. This is the reason I ordered spaghetti." Marik turned to Bakura who was wolfing down his second potato and bonked him lightly on the head and whispered something in his ear. Bakura growled but pushed his dishes aside and began to twirl a fork in the spaghetti, Marik doing the same. They ate from it and soon it was seen that their forks were attached by one long strand of spaghetti. They ate and ate, coming closer and closer until…

Sluuuuurp.

Before their lips could meet, Bakura aggressively slurped up the rest of the strand from Marik's mouth.

Marik blinked for a second and Bakura went back to his shrimp, grumbling, "You're not getting the best of me…"

"Ahem… anyway… The bill is, of course, covered by me since I am the obvious male in the relationship. Once you both finish your food, you can leave. However, the date is not over yet!"

Malik looked unbelieving. "It's not?"

"No! The standard second date is dinner _and_ a movie."

"Good grief."

Bakura swallowed down the rest of the spaghetti. "Hold on just a minute. I'm not budging until I've had dessert."

Marik and Malik looked at each other, eyebrows raised.

* * *

_**TBC…**_

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Her Sweetness: Next chapter will come out when I can manage it! But I'll tell you a secret. ;) Reviews sure speed me up. 


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